Hey!
Recently I've been losing lots of weight. And I mean LOTS. I've lost over 2 stone in 2 months. How? I just drank water and ate normally. Didn't eat lunch and counted everything, making sure I'm not going above 1,200 calories.
Little did I know, this was the start of my eating disorder.
I bought a diary to write down everything I ate. Started eating 450-750 calories a day. Hating the way I looked. Weighing myself everyday, every time I ate something. I started excersizing abit more. Reading pro-ana websites. Trying to purge. Making an IG eating disorder account. Only eating when I had to. And more...
My friends pointed it out first, making jokes about me being skinny. But I just laughed them off. I was fat and obese in my eyes. I was still a healthy BMI. I had nothing to worry about.
Then one day in dance we were all getting changed, and a girl points out ''You've lost so much weight. What's your secret?! How?!'' I just laughed and said I just eat normally.
Then one week, I started to eat around 500 calories because apparently you could lose up to 1-2lbs a day because of this. I got dizzy, almost fainted, looked drained, got headaches, my hair got frizzier, I couldn't be bothered to do anything, I had no energy. Everyday tasks, such as walking up the stairs at school, became a strugle. I couldn't concentrate at all. All I could think about is what I was going to eat when I got home. And how to burn it off.
I didn't care about the health risks, I just wanted to not be fat. I wanted the boys to like me, I wanted complements, I wanted to be known as the fat girl who lost so much weight. I wanted to look good naked and I wanted the people who had once dare called me fat, feel remorse. I wanted that boy who was so thin to like me back, because why would he like someone fat? I'd probably squash him in bed.
If I couldn't have control over my grades, I could have control over my eating and weight.
I felt proud and strong walking in a shop and walking past the high-calorie foods and not buying it. Of course, I did want to devour them all, but I thought, you'll feel guilty afterwards - so what's the point?
At lunch my friends would go to the canteen and eat. I was surrounded by food. I acted like I wasn't hungry but I could feel my stomach start eating itself alive. I couldn't wait to get out of there and get pre-occupied on something else.
I started fearing that my friends would tell a teacher or that my parents would find out. Why would I want to disappoint them even more? I was already a fat disgrace.
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I like to think I'm getting better now, I really do. But honestly? I don't think I am.
I don't think I will be unless I get help. Unless people start calling me thin even more. Untill I have a boyfriend. Untill I feel good with my body.
